How can the one person that makes you feel so awful be the only thing that makes you feel better?
This is insane, what he's doing to me.
I genuinely believe he's struggling as much as I am. It can't be easy for him. There's so much at stake. We've both been having the sleepless nights, the waking up too early when you do finally nod off... the feeling bad...
Daniel, why is this so hard?
It's meant to be the most beautiful thing. And it is. But, also, the most ugly thing.
He says nothing has changed as in the way he feels... so does that mean he still loves me? He's told me so many times in the past, but hasn't said it at all since Thursday. That's two whole days with not saying it once. So he's gone from saying it maybe a dozen times a day, to not at all for two days. I've not said it either - I can't keep saying it first; I'm paranoid he's only saying it because I'm saying it.
I'm totally paranoid. A paranoid wee wreck at the moment.
He text me first today, so I did text back but after a couple of hours and he replied straight away. But then is he only doing it because I'm replying? If I didn't reply, would he chase? I'm not sure I dare find out.
Oh god, Daniel... I'm so frightened of losing him. But how long can I live with this paranoia? I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I still haven't eaten. I can't keep anything down... it'll soon get unhealthy, not good.
This was meant to be a short note... sorry I've gone on. Just trying to straighten my head out.
Only thing I can be certain about? It was really nice to talk to him tonight. I hope he feels the same way...
Daniel, I just love him.
That's all.
Shouldn't it be simple?
Thanks for reading, my darling boy...
F
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