I spent last night sitting in the garden with my mum, puffing away like a wee chimney - would you believe I don't even smoke? I felt terrible for it afterwards. No sleep, hours of sobbing, far too many ciggies... not a good mix.
So I'm feeling pretty rotten this morning. Of course, I do my usual and tell everyone "yeh man, I'm ok", because I'm always ok... but, dear Daniel, just this once I don't really feel ok.
I miss Mr E. I miss him so much it actually physically hurts. My chest is aching, my head is pounding, my throat feels red raw (from the smoking, I know, but also the crying), I feel sick to the stomach... I threw up three times last night, can't eat a thing now.
Daniel, I just want things to be how they were before. I want Mr E and me to have fun again, to be happy again ... but I don't think it can go back to that, can it? He's being so distant. I know he's making an effort, but is he just doing it to not look like the bad guy? Do I make it easy for him and just tell him to stop texting? Tell him to forget it? Am I making it harder on myself by dragging it all out?
I just don't want to lose him. The thought of no more Mr E, oh god... I just... I can't... I love him, I can't lose him. I'm crying now writing this...
But, if I do make it easy for him, tell him to stop contacting me, then yes, it's going to hurt at first, of course, but I'll get over it, right? Well, I don't know... do you ever get over a broken heart?? Does a broken heart mend? I feel like little bits of mine are snapping off with every minute that passes. Can they be fixed?
This is just awful... I'm hurting.
Oh, what d'you know? Fleur does get hurt, after all...
Loves,
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