Mr E - the one I shouldn't have been getting involved with - well, it's all over. And I'm afraid to say it took me to end it. He didn't - couldn't, wouldn't... I don't know which, but he didn't.
That is officially the worst thing I have ever had to do. I didn't want to do it. I miss him so terribly... I don't want this at all. But it's what's best for him, and I need him to be ok. I'm so worried about him. I don't want him to be feeling even a fraction of what I'm feeling - it's the worst thing ever. For all I know he's all la-la-la and everything's hunky dorey. He suggests not, but I dunno, he might be fine with it. He's probably thanking "thank fuck for that!"... I hope he's not. But I dunno, maybe I hope he is. At least he'd be alright then. I care for him. I don't want to think of him feeling bad. I don't want him to hurt.
Yeh, I feel like shit right now - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't talk... all I seem to be doing at the moment is crying, smoking (I don't smoke) and hurting (I don't hurt). But if he's ok, then that helps me feel a bit better. I care for him too much for him to be going through anything I'm going through right now. Sorry if I'm repeating myself... I'm not really in a good place just now.
I physically hurt. My chest, it's agony. My stomach is churning. I managed to eat a few chips today, but that's the first thing since Saturday morning. And now my tummy feels so heavy. I can't stomach anything else. This is hell. I've never felt like this before, so bad.
I've had to get away. I can't cope with it. I've never ever let a guy get to me like this before. Never let anyone get in like that. That's how I managed to never get hurt before. Then, the first time I get close to someone... well, it won't be happening again, that's for sure. I've learnt my lesson. And I've learnt it good and proper.
He keeps saying sorry. It's not his fault though. It works both ways, right? We both knew the situation from day one. Maybe I shouldn't have got so involved? Maybe... but maybe I couldn't stop myself. When you feel like that about someone.. ha, hark at me sounding like the expert! Hardly!! The way I felt about him, I couldn't stop it happening. I tried to be sensible, tried to be distant from the off, keep those barriers up. He just got in... and now I guess he wants out but I'm struggling with that.
I'm not stopping him... it's fine, y'know. I'm not chasing him. I can't do that. He owes me nothing, I expect nothing... it's just so hard. I never expected anything of him. He says he couldn't give me what it felt I needed... I don't know what he means. What did I need?
He keeps saying it got intense. And it did... but why is he making me feel like that's my fault? Some of the things he said to me... yes, I typed "I love you" first, but he said it. I wasn't going to actually *say* it... that's totally different. It was nice hearing it and saying it, I won't lie, really nice... but he started that. He was saying as much "intense" stuff as me. Why do I feel it was my fault?! It was as much him as it was me...
I feel terrible now. Terrible for him...
Oh, I dunno, I think I'm going around in circles. I met an old man today. He was very sweet. Could obviously see I was upset and I talked to him a bit. Very random, but he made me smile. His wife had died earlier this year, just after Christmas, that made me sad, but kinda put things into perspective a bit.
I'm gonna end it there, I have no more words... I'm exhausted, mentally and physically... this is too hard, I don't know how to handle it anymore. I can't cope with it. Totally fucked up...
F xxxxxx
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