Could it be magic?

Daniel, it seems that since I've let one guy into my heart that now I'm prepared to let another in and risk that hurt again...

Except, Dan, this time it's no risk!

Yes, I'm talking about my magical (boy)friend. He's practically perfect in every way. He's looking after me, he's so attentive, he's making me laugh when times have been hard... oh my god, I really am falling... but don't tell him yet!

There's just one thing holding us back at the moment... we haven't "done the deed", y'know... we haven't slept together, gone all the way, shagged, fucked, made love... whatever you want to call it! Of course we've kissed (a lot), and we're always holding hands, cuddling, and we've kinda had a bit of a "fumble", but there's still that barrier of going all the way.

Obviously we have to... y'know, if we're gonna be a proper couple! We can't be one of those couples who don't have sex. Can we? It's not that I don't find him attractive... I do! And he's got a great body... better than mine! In fact, and don't tell him this, but he's kinda fit! :P

Actually, who am I trying to kid, it's not gonna be that hard after all!

Just a quickie from me today (that bears no connection to what I've just been talking about!)... catch up soon, my lovely Daniel. The afternoon calls me and I have online shopping to do... Jimmy Choo and Selfridges, here I come! Oh, and maybe some Fortnum and Mason choccies...

F xxx

Good times... and cliches

Hey Danny Boy,

I have news! You remember my magical friend? Well... he's now officially my magical boyfriend!

And... oh, it's all so magical and perfect.

Ok, ok, early days, I know that. It's the "honeymoon period" an'all that, but... y'know what? I kinda have a good feeling about this one.

I *know* just from being friends how much Mr Magic would do - and has done - for me. He has literally risked everything for me in the past. I think the world of him, and he's told me numerous times over the years that I am his life. I finally believe him. Well, me and his kid... we're his life. And I like that!

I've never been one to go out looking for a boyfriend. I've never thought "I want a boyfriend". And the same can be said for now... I didn't and don't want a boyfriend... I just want Mr Magic. And he wants me!

I still can't quite believe this is happening, I really can't. I mean, I've known this guy since school... we became best friends after he kicked a football in my face (he says) accidentally. So we've been bestest friends for about 15 years... and now I'm kissing him! lol Mutual friends have always said in the past "oh, you two should sooo get together, you spend all your time together anyway" and we've both given the standard response "urgh... no way, man". But, actually, it's not that "urgh" after all!

In fact... he's amazing. He's totally spoiling me. Treating me like a princess. Let me tell you what he did last night... the sweetest thing!

I'd spent the day with him and his kid - we'd been for coffee, looked around the shops, walked by the river, went for Sunday dinner, then he'd dropped me off at home. I went to bed relatively early as was sleepy... then he called me and woke me up at half 11... he couldn't sleep coz he hadn't given me a good night kiss and could he come give me one. Now, he doesn't live miles away, but it's a good 20-minute drive... but he got out of his bed, threw tracky bottoms and a jumper on, and drove over to my house at almost midnight just to give me a good night kiss... aww, and that kiss! I went to the front door, he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze... he smelt all lovely and sleepy. Then he pulled back, kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my cheek, then brushed his thumb across my bottom lip before smiling the sweetest smile and kissing me good night. I so wanted him to stay with me after that!

We were spending almost every night together before we got together, let alone after... so we've put a rule on it now - every other night (or thereabouts) we will spend together. I'm just really cautious of it getting too full-on (yes, I have learnt from my big fat stupid mistakes), and I don't want to rush this one... we have all the time in the world. I stayed over at his place for the first time over the weekend. He has quite a complicated living situation at the moment, but he had the place mostly to himself (his beautiful kiddy was there) and we spent the evening together, and then the whole night.

Oh, and Daniel, before you start playing "big bro" and getting all protective... no, we haven't done *that* yet. I dunno... while the thought of it isn't as weird as it was a couple of weeks ago, I still think the first time together will be a bit strange. I mean, he's been like a brother to me at times! Oh gosh, how wrong does that sound!?

(Can I just apologise for how babbly this entry is?!)

So, yes... no, we haven't slept together yet. This might sound a bit sappy and make me sound like a hopeless romantic, but I kinda want the first time together to be special. I'm not saying it has to be all candles and moonlight, but... I dunno, just want it to be something we both remember, whatever happens in the future.

Anyway, enough talk of my (non)-sex life.

What was I saying? Yeh, so, Mr Magic and I are giving it a shot! And so far, so good... actually, so bloody brilliant! This is everything I've ever wanted in a guy - he's attentive, he makes me laugh til my sides hurt, he makes me smile so hard my jaw aches... I don't think I've stopped smiling for days! Whereas my last boyfriend hardly ever held my hand or put his arms around me, Mr Magic takes my hand everywhere we go and is proud to... he puts his arms around me at every given opportunity and holds me tight, doesn't let me go for just a little bit longer than usual... showing me how much he cares. And boy does he care. He's been so stressed out these past few weeks with everything with Mr E (yeh, who?! lol)...

While I'm (kinda) on the subject of Mr E... all I have to say about him is - *thank god* I came to my senses before I got even more involved. Yes, I did fall for him and, yes, ashamedly I did get hurt... but my fantastic friends (Mr Magic and Dizzy Gordon Bond) dragged me out of that pit of despair and, basically, were my knights in shining armour - I love them both enormously and definitely owe them one! (Not *one* like that, you perv!) Mr E is a coward... and I don't care if he's reading this anymore - he knows who he is. The last thing I said to him was that it broke my heart being the one who had to break it all off... he said back to me "sorry for breaking your heart" - he got it wrong... I said that *I* broke my heart when it was me who had to be the adult. He didn't break my heart... and anyway, my heart couldn't have been that broken, could it? Not really...

Anyways, I'm going to leave it there... I've babbled on enough. I'm hoping I'll be posting more regularly again now with tales of what my magical "boyfriend" has done... fingers crossed for me, Daniel!

Much love

Yours, Fleur xxxxxxx

I kissed a boy and I liked it

Daniel... long time no bloggin'!

This week has been nuts, totally insane!

Mr E... well, you know the story there. Slowly coming to terms with it, trying to get over him but struggling at times. BUT I've now had two days with no tears over him. Happy :)

But now... guess what?! My magical friend has dropped a bombshell. It went like this...

Him: "Fleur, I think I love you"... Me: "Oh! Shit!"

Great response!

He's been the perfect gentleman about it. No pressure, no rush, he doesn't expect me to go running to him, he knows it's crap timing (what with Mr E an'all).

But then, last night... we kissed, and I liked it! It wasn't a full-on "snog" (such a childish word, reminds me of the playground... which is quite apt, seeing as my magical friend and I have been friends since school), but it was definitely a kiss. It was quite romantic. He was leaving my house, so I walked to the door with him, stood in the porch chatting and just saying goodbye, when he lent in and kissed me. He kinda paused, looked me right in the eye and had such a worried "oh my god was that ok?" look on his face, that I just took his face in my hands and kissed him back! (And he's a good kisser - phew!)

I know he's going to be reading this, so I won't go into too much detail (don't want him getting a big head!) but I'm sorting through things in my head just now. It's been a confusing few weeks. My magical friend knows this, but the feelings for Mr E are still there and they're still as strong as ever. But it almost feels like they're being butted out..? Does that make sense, Danny-Boy?

Maybe my magic friend is just a distraction? Maybe he's having a crazy time and this isn't real? Maybe everything with Mr E wasn't real? I don't know... I have no answers to anything.

I'm still smoking like a demon... I'm really trying not to, but it's either that or alcohol at the moment, and I see the ciggies as the lesser of two demons! Maybe drinking would liven things up though?!

Anyway, just a quick one as have an early start tomorrow... just *had* to share my "he kissed me!" news. Oh, and he held my hand today... I just love that, love having my hand held.

Can't help but think of Mr E... must kick that habit, he obviously has...

Sweet dreams, Daniel...

Much love,

Fleur

xxxxxxx

They think it's all over...

... well, Daniel, it is now.

Mr E - the one I shouldn't have been getting involved with - well, it's all over. And I'm afraid to say it took me to end it. He didn't - couldn't, wouldn't... I don't know which, but he didn't.

That is officially the worst thing I have ever had to do. I didn't want to do it. I miss him so terribly... I don't want this at all. But it's what's best for him, and I need him to be ok. I'm so worried about him. I don't want him to be feeling even a fraction of what I'm feeling - it's the worst thing ever. For all I know he's all la-la-la and everything's hunky dorey. He suggests not, but I dunno, he might be fine with it. He's probably thanking "thank fuck for that!"... I hope he's not. But I dunno, maybe I hope he is. At least he'd be alright then. I care for him. I don't want to think of him feeling bad. I don't want him to hurt.

Yeh, I feel like shit right now - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't talk... all I seem to be doing at the moment is crying, smoking (I don't smoke) and hurting (I don't hurt). But if he's ok, then that helps me feel a bit better. I care for him too much for him to be going through anything I'm going through right now. Sorry if I'm repeating myself... I'm not really in a good place just now.

I physically hurt. My chest, it's agony. My stomach is churning. I managed to eat a few chips today, but that's the first thing since Saturday morning. And now my tummy feels so heavy. I can't stomach anything else. This is hell. I've never felt like this before, so bad.

I've had to get away. I can't cope with it. I've never ever let a guy get to me like this before. Never let anyone get in like that. That's how I managed to never get hurt before. Then, the first time I get close to someone... well, it won't be happening again, that's for sure. I've learnt my lesson. And I've learnt it good and proper.

He keeps saying sorry. It's not his fault though. It works both ways, right? We both knew the situation from day one. Maybe I shouldn't have got so involved? Maybe... but maybe I couldn't stop myself. When you feel like that about someone.. ha, hark at me sounding like the expert! Hardly!! The way I felt about him, I couldn't stop it happening. I tried to be sensible, tried to be distant from the off, keep those barriers up. He just got in... and now I guess he wants out but I'm struggling with that.

I'm not stopping him... it's fine, y'know. I'm not chasing him. I can't do that. He owes me nothing, I expect nothing... it's just so hard. I never expected anything of him. He says he couldn't give me what it felt I needed... I don't know what he means. What did I need?

He keeps saying it got intense. And it did... but why is he making me feel like that's my fault? Some of the things he said to me... yes, I typed "I love you" first, but he said it. I wasn't going to actually *say* it... that's totally different. It was nice hearing it and saying it, I won't lie, really nice... but he started that. He was saying as much "intense" stuff as me. Why do I feel it was my fault?! It was as much him as it was me...

I feel terrible now. Terrible for him...

Oh, I dunno, I think I'm going around in circles. I met an old man today. He was very sweet. Could obviously see I was upset and I talked to him a bit. Very random, but he made me smile. His wife had died earlier this year, just after Christmas, that made me sad, but kinda put things into perspective a bit.

I'm gonna end it there, I have no more words... I'm exhausted, mentally and physically... this is too hard, I don't know how to handle it anymore. I can't cope with it. Totally fucked up...

F xxxxxx

Unbelievable

Danny,

How can the one person that makes you feel so awful be the only thing that makes you feel better?

This is insane, what he's doing to me.

I genuinely believe he's struggling as much as I am. It can't be easy for him. There's so much at stake. We've both been having the sleepless nights, the waking up too early when you do finally nod off... the feeling bad...

Daniel, why is this so hard?

It's meant to be the most beautiful thing. And it is. But, also, the most ugly thing.

He says nothing has changed as in the way he feels... so does that mean he still loves me? He's told me so many times in the past, but hasn't said it at all since Thursday. That's two whole days with not saying it once. So he's gone from saying it maybe a dozen times a day, to not at all for two days. I've not said it either - I can't keep saying it first; I'm paranoid he's only saying it because I'm saying it.

I'm totally paranoid. A paranoid wee wreck at the moment.

He text me first today, so I did text back but after a couple of hours and he replied straight away. But then is he only doing it because I'm replying? If I didn't reply, would he chase? I'm not sure I dare find out.

Oh god, Daniel... I'm so frightened of losing him. But how long can I live with this paranoia? I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I still haven't eaten. I can't keep anything down... it'll soon get unhealthy, not good.

This was meant to be a short note... sorry I've gone on. Just trying to straighten my head out.

Only thing I can be certain about? It was really nice to talk to him tonight. I hope he feels the same way...

Daniel, I just love him.

That's all.

Shouldn't it be simple?

Thanks for reading, my darling boy...

F

xxxxxxxxxx

This is how a broken heart feels..

Daniel - I've never felt it before, but this is how it feels to have your heart broken.

I spent last night sitting in the garden with my mum, puffing away like a wee chimney - would you believe I don't even smoke? I felt terrible for it afterwards. No sleep, hours of sobbing, far too many ciggies... not a good mix.

So I'm feeling pretty rotten this morning. Of course, I do my usual and tell everyone "yeh man, I'm ok", because I'm always ok... but, dear Daniel, just this once I don't really feel ok.

I miss Mr E. I miss him so much it actually physically hurts. My chest is aching, my head is pounding, my throat feels red raw (from the smoking, I know, but also the crying), I feel sick to the stomach... I threw up three times last night, can't eat a thing now.

Daniel, I just want things to be how they were before. I want Mr E and me to have fun again, to be happy again ... but I don't think it can go back to that, can it? He's being so distant. I know he's making an effort, but is he just doing it to not look like the bad guy? Do I make it easy for him and just tell him to stop texting? Tell him to forget it? Am I making it harder on myself by dragging it all out?

I just don't want to lose him. The thought of no more Mr E, oh god... I just... I can't... I love him, I can't lose him. I'm crying now writing this...

But, if I do make it easy for him, tell him to stop contacting me, then yes, it's going to hurt at first, of course, but I'll get over it, right? Well, I don't know... do you ever get over a broken heart?? Does a broken heart mend? I feel like little bits of mine are snapping off with every minute that passes. Can they be fixed?

This is just awful... I'm hurting.

Oh, what d'you know? Fleur does get hurt, after all...

Loves,

xxxxxxxx

They think it's all over... it certainly is now!

Daniel, my love,

Ok, I am more than aware that I’m sounding much like a manic depressant these past few days – one minute on cloud 9 and on top of the world, the next minute wanting to kick fluffy kittens and shout at small children… but, right now, I’m back up on cloud 9.

I am now, officially, rid of Mr X… for good!

No more ties, no more excuses for him to have to get in touch with me, no more nothing! Woop!

My Girl Power act yesterday obviously hit a nerve with him as he was like a pussy cat today, tip-toeing around me as we finalised things. He used his manners. He didn’t raise his voice at me. And there were definitely no physical threats.

Go Fleur!

So, that’s that one done with, out of my life.

Little part of me is sad. I mean, you don’t spend almost five years of your life with someone and just walk away lightly, despite what they might have done.

It wasn’t love, I know that much. I wasn’t in love with him, but it was right at the time. Except all the pushing and shoving, as he gradually got too big for his boots and thought he could do what he wanted to me. No, Siree! Well, not anymore.

Anyway, enough babbling… like I said, it’s all over with now, and I couldn’t be happier. Pizza and drinks tonight to celebrate!

Oh, and I’ll update on Mr E later… confusing times, but mostly ok (I think…)

Almost the weekend – smiley times!

F xxxxxxxxx